Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Lyla, my light in the darkness

What happened to November? In a blink it went from Halloween costumes to left over turkey & pie for breakfast...which is expanding my waistline.
Did I wish the month by, hoping I'd open my eyes after a long blink and the dead father, shady uncle, sucky attorney, estate nightmare that has haunted me for 1/3 of my life would be over? wishful thinking.
So here comes December, another closing date in sight, another month of expenses to maintain a property that simply put: SUCKS THE LIFE OUT OF ME. BUT...it's also another month filled with joy..another month in my life as a mother. I get to experience childhood again, through Lyla's eyes..it doesn't get much better than that. There is such a thing as 2nd chances. I'd be a fool to allow the lonely, painful childhood memories or my present day nightmares involving that same house ruin this 2nd chance at brightening that darkness "weekend visitations" left behind. I'm ready to let my soul shine!

"He used to say soulshine,
It's better than sunshine,
It's better than moonshine,
Damn sure better than rain.
Hey now people don't mind,
We all get this way sometime,
Got to let your soul shine,
shine till the break of day."
~Warren Haynes

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Wishing you a bundle of Joy & Thankfulness this Thursday

Happy spend day with family & eat til your seams burst! What do I love most about Thanksgiving? I can't possibly pick ONE thing. I can tell you that two nights ago when the pies I ordered for a fundraiser were delivered I never thought they'd stay whole for two nights. Two of the best looking pies...mmm..Chocolate Cream and Lemon Meringue, I can't wait until dessert!
A couple weeks ago Lyla and I went for a hike in search of pine cones to create a turkey during one of our craft sessions, an idea I'd seen in my Better Homes & Gardens magazine. I cut out feathers from card stock, used scrap red paper for the waddle and hunted down some googly eyes from our craft supplies. I asked Lyla what she was thankful for & wrote her 'thanks' on the feathers.
Lyla is thankful for...
Popcorn
Grampa
Mem
Grammy
Cheese Wraps
Oscar
Bru Bru (Mem's dog Bruschi)

I am so Thankful for my sweet little girl.
Happy Thanksgiving to all of you!
Eat too much, drink til your cheeks are rosy & thank your lucky stars for all the joy.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Battle of the Binky

2:30 A.M., I awake to the whisper of a tiny voice "Mama, I want my deetz, my deetz." It happens at least a couple times a night, every night. If I slept as deep as the husband maybe I'd sleep through the voice and she'd find it on her own or just give up and pass back out..but no, there I am, on my feet, the Binky Hunter. I throw on the headlamp, adjust it to night vision red lighting and begin the search. Usually, I find it nestled under my husbands back. OH YES! We're a co-sleeping family. There were several months, Lyla, slept in her todder bed...beside our bed, but like clock work she'd climb between us before the sun rose. The husband enjoys the cuddle time, he loses out on so much daddy daughter time working so hard, so...I went with it & honestly, I'm okay with it now, except for the waking binky hunting moments. When she's ready, she'll transition. Ha-Ha When she's 10 and still sprawled between us, please Slap Me!
"Mama, my deetz! Mama, puppy & kitty, where's puppy & kitty?"...yes! we also sleep with her two favorite plush animals, at least until she's out cold.
Headlamp shining from my forehead, the wee hours of the morning, army crawling around on the floor searching for the damn blue binky. I'd have ran downstairs to grab the yellow binky if we hadn't misplaced it at nap time. I can hear concern in Lyla's voice, she's becoming increasingly worried this search will come up empty handed. THEN! THERE IT IS! dead center beneath the bed, naturally, a fingertip too far from my reach. WTF. I lost 5lbs last week, but not quite enough to fit my butt further than a shoulder blade under the bed. Now I scurry around the room in search of a gogo gadget arm...Daddy's back scratcher to the rescue! Hooray! Lyla rolls over, cuddles up behind Daddy, the nuk nuk sound of binky sucking, puppy and kitty cradled under each arm & drifts back off to dream land. ME? I laid there, cursing that binky, staring at the shadows on the ceiling, glancing at the clock for two hours. Somewhere between 4:30 and 4:45 A.M. I'd dozed off and at 4:46 I was grabbing that damn binky from beneath my husbands back. It doesn't matter how many times I find that damn binky, the battle can't be won until they're banished! Stay tuned for Banish the Binky! Date to be determined because I'm afraid of losing more sleep than I do already. Is it really all about me? ;)

Happy Thanksgiving to all, Gobble. Gobble!

Monday, November 14, 2011

Mama has a potty mouth

OH Noooooo! The long dreaded parroting potty mouth has arrived. Time for me to choose my words more wisely. The other morning we're cooking & I'm cutting a recipe by half & messed up one of the measurements, "Oh, Shit" & my little sous chef looked at me & spouted "OH, ssHIT, mama!" I cringed. Sure, it could have been far worse considering my language is often not kiddie friendly, tightening the reigns on my potty mouth will be no easy task, but I have no other option. There are several words I need to immediately delete from my vocabulary, some of them not vulgar or used maliciously, but they're inappropriate & I certainly wouldn't want my sweet 3 foot parrot to unknowingly hurt someones feelings because of my inability to lead by example. Here is the beginning of my list, I'm sure my tongue will reveal others to be added but, off the top of my head here's the start of the end...
Suck
Nut Sack
Stupid
Shit
Retard
Ass
Asshole
Douche
Gay
F Word in it's F form and full form
Bitch
Bastard

I can do this!
Ready. Set. GO!

Thursday, November 10, 2011

a week ago today

It's been a week since I've found the time to sit here, with a brain that isn't frantic or a stomach not spinning, my muscles wound like rubber bands waiting to snap. I have these days that come, they haunt. I bottle all my stress, bury my negative thoughts...rather than cope, I jam it all in a dark place within.. beneath my shield of grin n bear it and every couple months or so I release, or it blows & I let all the emotion beat me up for a few consecutive days. It's a vicious cycle. I plummet. Sometimes I choose self medicating through the pain, but that only ends in a deeper depression...live & learn. Or live and never learn because this cycle has been 'my thing' for longer than I care to remember. I have a slew of reasons I've blamed at one time or another, mostly, I guess it's me not willing to learn how to cope like a big girl, not wanting to deal with the issues one on one. With the birth of my daughter I had no choice other than to ditch intense levels of self medication & it's been since then that I've really taken a look at how f*n close I've come to visiting points of no return & every time, just in time, I chose 'right'. When in doubt go 'right'. I was day dreaming the other day in the dark & wondered what I would do if all the sudden I quit this up & down game with myself and just dealt. What would it be like to not experience mania & am I ready for it or am I addicted to my downs?
Who cares..today. It's back to rainbows, unicorns and empty pots of gold for this haunted survivor. for another several weeks...

What is the protocol on how long to hang in with the Halloween candy? I'm fed up with having to explain every morning & hour thereafter..candy is not a food group and will not be eaten for every meal of the day. I'm also tired with get'n caught with my hand in the candy basket & feeling the need to share my bite. I'm thinking a Monday, this Monday will be a good day to cleanse the body of sugar & rid the house of this sweet tooth satisfying cavity inducing greatness. I. Love. Sugar. question is who'll be more upset? me, the child, the husband or the dog? I've busted Oscar snorting dropped Nerds from crevices....or perhaps they were strategically placed there by his two legged partner in crime. hmpft?

Our lil butterfly, "Mama, I fly away"



Thursday, November 3, 2011

Three Day Treat Delay

Third day of November and we're hours away from Trick or Treat. Yes, you read that right...No Treat yet...unless, you consider 18 inches of snow and 87% of the city without power a treat. Mother Nature dressed up as a Snow Fairy and dropped a trick on us. Let's be Real! Piles of snow in October..SUCKS & makes for an already too long winter for those of us who revel in the Spring & Fall temperatures. Fall was dusted with winter. wtf! The only feasable way to get over it was to spin so much disbelief and joy around it that for a moment, I believed myself. It'll be gone before you know it, the kids love it. Blah, Barf, Blah, Barf, Blah. I've been crabby for days...with news of the snow coming and then actually dealing with it I'd used all my reserves of 'think, be, act, live' positive, Spin Joy from Snow! So when I suddenly had to cope with another hurdle in the legal estate managing of my dead father who was a failing 'parent' most of my life my optimism was gonzo. There I was knee deep in snow, makes it tough to successfully conquer another hurdle in the nightmare I've been trudging through for over a decade & finally grabbed by the horns & began to put an end to 13 months ago complete with attorneys, criminal family member behavior, politics, engineers, construction workers and so many committee members it would make you dizzy. Now, days later, & depressed every time I think of my estate worth nothing except bad dreams and memories, I'm spent in the smile through it department..until this nightmare is behind me this last hurdle has left me weathered & tarnished with pessimism. It's been such a long emotionally, financially, & physically exhausting road. I wanted to scream, it would have been silent. & just when I was on the edge, just about to fall into full blown panic attack.. a switch clicked & in entered fort building and play dough picking therapy. Sometimes it just feels good to lay belly down on the floor in a fort built by two & help my sweet smiling Lyla pick the dried toe squished playdough out from the waffle pattern on my yoga mat. Sure, I was less than thrilled when I noticed blobs of dried playdough on my mat, but helping her pick out the mess was just what the inner therapist ordered.
Free Your Mind.

Soooo...now, on the 3rd of November, yards still splotched with Mother Natures Trick we will have the Official night of Halloween Trick or Treat! This is it! One more night of rotting snow covered pumpkins. Trick or Treat, Smell my feet, I may not have had hot water for a bath all week!

Photo's of our Trick or Treat will come later, for now enjoy our True Halloween.






Lesson in snow diving....Always wear Mittens. :) Tears & whining followed the last photo.