Thursday, November 10, 2011

a week ago today

It's been a week since I've found the time to sit here, with a brain that isn't frantic or a stomach not spinning, my muscles wound like rubber bands waiting to snap. I have these days that come, they haunt. I bottle all my stress, bury my negative thoughts...rather than cope, I jam it all in a dark place within.. beneath my shield of grin n bear it and every couple months or so I release, or it blows & I let all the emotion beat me up for a few consecutive days. It's a vicious cycle. I plummet. Sometimes I choose self medicating through the pain, but that only ends in a deeper & learn. Or live and never learn because this cycle has been 'my thing' for longer than I care to remember. I have a slew of reasons I've blamed at one time or another, mostly, I guess it's me not willing to learn how to cope like a big girl, not wanting to deal with the issues one on one. With the birth of my daughter I had no choice other than to ditch intense levels of self medication & it's been since then that I've really taken a look at how f*n close I've come to visiting points of no return & every time, just in time, I chose 'right'. When in doubt go 'right'. I was day dreaming the other day in the dark & wondered what I would do if all the sudden I quit this up & down game with myself and just dealt. What would it be like to not experience mania & am I ready for it or am I addicted to my downs?
Who It's back to rainbows, unicorns and empty pots of gold for this haunted survivor. for another several weeks...

What is the protocol on how long to hang in with the Halloween candy? I'm fed up with having to explain every morning & hour thereafter..candy is not a food group and will not be eaten for every meal of the day. I'm also tired with get'n caught with my hand in the candy basket & feeling the need to share my bite. I'm thinking a Monday, this Monday will be a good day to cleanse the body of sugar & rid the house of this sweet tooth satisfying cavity inducing greatness. I. Love. Sugar. question is who'll be more upset? me, the child, the husband or the dog? I've busted Oscar snorting dropped Nerds from crevices....or perhaps they were strategically placed there by his two legged partner in crime. hmpft?

Our lil butterfly, "Mama, I fly away"

1 comment:

  1. I too have struggled with depression. It is a tough thing to go though.

    On a side note ... I slowly throw the candy away. I get SO tired of hearing "Can I have a piece of candy". I say "No". Then 4 seconds later hear "But Daddy is eating a piece of candy". *ugh*