Saturday, March 24, 2012

"One, two, Freddie's coming for you..."

I bought a jump rope. Damn, jumping rope is no joke! I wonder if there were any neighbors peering out their windows when I attempted my first jump of the rope in what must be nearly 30 years. I can only imagine how hysterical it was to onlooking eyes, I laughed at myself and all I could see was me jumping up and landing just before the rope made it beneath my feet. This happened several times before I said to Lyla "Can you believe it, Lyla, Can you believe, Mama doesn't remember how to jump rope!" and my little sweetie looked at me and told me it was okay. NO, it's not okay! I picked the rope back up, after I'd tossed it aside with frustration and tried again. I managed to hop the rope, but not more than once. Seriously? Is it really this difficult? I know I'm a klutz and uncoordinated, but c'mon...it's Jump Rope! haha What kind of mommy role model can't jump fricken rope?! I hear Daddy turn the corner, his tunes bump'n from the windows of his car and a smile creeps upon my face. I can't wait to challenge him to the jump roping task! First Try. Damn Him! Although, he wasn't graceful in the beginning.

Day Two: Major improvement from the embarrassment of day one. Although it's time to pull out the sports bras. I have enough fat jiggle from top to bottom & need to prevent all the jiggle juggle I can. A friend was over & she, too, performed good jumping on attempt number one. Show offs! HA.

Day Three: Woke up this morning and had to stretch. Hamstrings, lats and calves are feeling it today. You don't realize how pathetic the shape of your body is in until you skip some rope for sh*ts and giggles a couple days in a row.



"....three four, better lock your door, five six, grab your crucifix, seven eight gonna stay up late, nine ten, never sleep again."

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Paronomasia

Nothing says, Good Morning, like walking downstairs to have your nostrils flare up with the gagging stench of doggy diarrhea and doggy vomit permeating the air!
Happy Sh*t Show! I'd dance around in sarcastic fashion if I wasn't afraid to slip in sh*t, because sh*t happens like that. I wasn't planning on washing my floors, couch blankets and cushions today, but the sh*t hit the fan & all those places. Lucky Me.
"If you can dodge a wrench you can dodge a ball." ...or several piles of stinky, disgusting mess that attempt to derail your morning. Yay for me, I'm back to attack, no sh*tty attitude here, two hours after what began a crappy day, I'm pouring my cup of coffee & pat'n myself on the back for not losing my sh*t. Shhhh~it's around the corner, "It" being a beautiful First Day of Spring! Happy Spring!

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Monday, March 19, 2012

necessary evils

I'm not a fan of the dentist, cleanings are a necessary evil. not a fan of the smells, the sounds, the people, the it's time for Xray's ....all of it. & NO, I don't want to make small talk while you have sharp objects in my mouth & I can't swallow my spit when I want. I'm not here to shoot the sh*t, I'm here to get my clean on...because while I don't like having to go and deal with it all, I do Love the feeling of fresh my mouth has after a dentist polishing. Every Time I get the same 'talk' ..you're not flossing enough, you have a disposition for gum this and that & you need to do better. I hear you! just like I heard you the last time & the time before that & every year, twice a year for what has been most of my life...I can only hope I heard you loud enough this time that I don't start taking days off here and there that morph into weeks, the last thing I want is a need to see a periodontist in 6 months and nail down the fact that I slack on occasion & genetically have challenging gums. It was the worst when I was pregnant, I was trying to pick something out of my teeth and tore my gums, this little flap of skin hanging, it healed. phew. haha My gums were like paper during pregnancy. I had to brush my teeth 3 and 4 times a day to stay clear of infection and every time there was enough blood to feed Transylvania.
Hello, dermatologist! nothing like the year FORTY creeping up on you like an ugly mole with questionable ridges. She right away says, I'm nearly positive it's seborrheic keratosis & isn't serious, then came the BUT, ...BUT, we need to be sure and biopsy it & we'll call you later this week. Okay, Back Up: What is it? Why do I have it? & What is it, again...in People terms. People Terms Were: Benign Growth that I could see more of into my 60's & 70's. Let me add comedy to the seborrheic keratosis growth...I researched it on my own to get it straight in my head, here's some good people terms "old people barnacles" LOL Seriously? haha I realize 40 is coming down on me this year, but ...I'm not OLD!
Yet another necessary evil I'm forced to show up for at least once a year: lab work. It all came back clean as a whistle..yahoo! I can stay off the, bromocriptine, given my prolactin level is "perfect" which frees me up from having to endure an MRI on the head to check out my pituitary tumor, which one can only assume hasn't grown larger since I stopped taking my little tumor shrinking white pills. Yay! My journey continues free of pills. I've seen so many doctors, so many specialists through many points in my life & I'm thankful that with 40 coming I may not (yet) be physically in the best shape of my life, but medically I'm shining bright....well, aside from the old people barnicles. LOL I feel free! TAKE THAT FORTY!
Next up: Mammogram. I have until May to let this appointment eat away at my imagination and increase my level of annoyance.


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Friday, March 9, 2012

waistline muffin tops are only cute on babies

America Runs on Dunkin. No, America SHOULD Run After eating Dunkin. 500 calories in a blueberry muffin...A Muffin. On rare occasion I succumb to the call of the muffin, slice the top off, grill the halves on the griddle. Yum. I was horrified when I noticed my husband had cut his blueberry muffin in half, cap to cup. Who cuts a muffin that way? In my almost 40 years of life I have never sliced my muffin from top to bottom in half, it screams WRONG to me. Then, I realized...he's genius! Not only do you slice half the guilt with creating two servings, but you can savor 'two' muffin tops. Perhaps, Elaine Benes, shouldn't have had such disdain for muffin stumps and could have opened a, Half of the Muffin To You shop, beside Mr. Lippman's, "Top of the Muffin to You!"

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Thursday, March 1, 2012

hand that sausage a shovel

My subconscious may have reasons of its own to be embracing the snow, cold & layers of winter. Lyla, myself and Garammy went shopping for summer dresses for Lyla earlier this week. I found myself in a dressing room trying on swimsuits. um. too much sausage in a nylon spandex casing. I'm traumatized. I shouldn't have been poking fun at Angelina Jolie's bobblehead phase because I obviously, have problems of my own on the opposite side of the spectrum. Holy Cannoli, if only I could siphon some fat from my thighs, breasts, butt, belly, waist, arms, chin..big toe, to the can we pour bacon fat into below the kitchen sink & throw it out with the trash. I shouldn't get too down on myself. I've managed to keep the 33 pounds off I lost last year, but I've done too much fence sitting since before Christmas. It's time to back away from the buffet and wrap my mind around losing weight again. I've thought about switching up the 'diet' eating habits, sparking change within and practicing something fun like a meat free March...but, where's the fun if it's a difficult routine for a carnivore like myself to dive into. too much, too soon. Meat free Mondays in March may be more my speed & add a day each Month until Summer BBQ season is shining down baking me..a thinner swine. Of course I could have already begun other popular fasting & abstinence rituals & saved myself all this extra thinking & be down a pound or two already! Damn me and my irreligiousness. Damn my jiggle. Damn time I head back out to embrace this snow again today. Bend with the knees and shoveling is great for the heart and waistline. The snow blower is great for the back.
Happy Snowy New England Day!
Happy Layers!