Sunday, May 6, 2012

A Server Rant

I'm a full-time mom and part-time server.  I love my part-time gig, most shifts it's like I'm on Holiday,  & on the drive there... I may, on occasion,  literally sing out loud.  Madonna, "Holi-dayy.....Celehbrayte!"  & as many times as I've done it...I feel free.  Every. Time.  ha.  A handful of hours away from housework a couple nights a week, away from waiting on the three beings who I share house with..it's awesome.  I don't have to paint, dance, color, sing nursery rhymes, count forwards & backwards, do dishes, cook, bite my tongue. & here, I release it.

Tonight I waited on a three top that fired me as far up as the Super Moon!
*Mrs. Budweiser who stated with each bottle she did not need a glass; I got it, Honey.  You don't need to remind me that you're into nestling your lips around the rim. 
*Mr. Fatigues who was annoyed with me when I asked for his ID after he ordered a Blue Moon.  My apologies, but get over it.  How the F is a nearly 40 year old woman, like myself.. supposed to know your bald headed baby face is really 31?!  I get carded everytime I hit the package store & don't pull a fit. Bring it!  Card Me!  I'm 40 on Monday! 
*Ms. What Brand Moscato Do You Have? Eh, I'll just have a Pepsi.  Hmmmm..Why?  Because you don't have your ID on you & I just carded your lover boy?
I wish I could have made a special request to Mr. Fatigues and Ms. WBMDYH-Pepsi   ~ When I'm at the table taking the order can you please quit the snuggling, knee rubbing, general hands all over each other?  Thanks!
Oh & next time...don't stiff your server out of a tip & then sit at the table for two hours preventing them from having a shot at another party who'll actually understand  & follow the concept of dining etiquette, especially, after you've looked me in the eye & said everything was excellent, thank you, we enjoy coming here...blah, blibbity, blah.  Charlie Brown teacher.  Your Faces: Never Be Forgotten = The Stiffs.  Do they realize that I'm taxed on 8% of their sale?  I paid money to serve them.  Seriously?!   I can only hope it was an oversight and they're not really the asshats I've now labeled them.  I'm Insulted & certainly allowed it to get the best of me.   But...Come On..Seriously?  (bite my tongue)
BS happens, some people suck & damn, I tell myself  "shake it off girl" there could be an explanation for the threesome & their general disregard for my wage making, although I take it as a direct insult to my ability as a competent server each and every time I see much less than 20% on a tip line.  So, You!...reading this, if you're leaving 15%...Step it Up!  Your Servers are talking smack about you when your backs out the door.   It really is insulting...maybe to both of us.  Step it up and we're both on the up & up.  Maybe it's wrong of me....& I apologize, but it's 2012, the price of everything has increased yet waitstaff are still making less than $3 an hour and some people still think 15% is a satisfactory gratuity.  SMH.

My Top Ten Server Pet Peeves  (I won't bother listing a stiff or poor tip, because well...it's obvious)

1.  Dirty Tissues.  Seriously?  Go to the restroom and blow your nose or do whatever you do with those tissues, don't leave them for me.  Unknown mucus.. grody behavior.  (bite my tongue)

2.  When I approach the table and ask a question please listen and respond.  There is nothing more annoying that having a full station of people to care for and there's this one table you stand at, waiting...while they finish a conversation.  Seriously?   It's plain rude to hold me up from attending to my station so you can chit chant. Serving is a groove & you're F*n it up. & hello, I know you see me!  I'm right here!  Muffin top in a black top!  I don't give a rats ass about your bark mulch. (bite my tongue)

3. When I ask "Can I get you anything?" ...it means, I'd like for All attending to tell me at that moment and not wait  until I come back with something else someone wanted.  You, reading this,  if you're out to dinner & there's more than 3 of you, You! help a server a out if your buddy isn't paying attention, ask him yourself, you poke your nose through his conversation & save us the awkard. c'mon. It sucks when you come back with a fresh drink for 'man on inside right' and woman on inside left all the sudden needs another.  Red Flag: high maintenance. (Run Buddy) .  (bite my tongue)

4.  Couples who sit on the same side of the table.  Sure...it's ridiculous for me to be annoyed by such a petty thing.  I can't help it.  Drives. Me. Crazy.   (bite my tongue)

5. People who pick up their water glasses and start drinking when I show up with a water pitcher.  Seriously?  those extra two sips really matter right now?  don't make me stand there watching you drink.  poor choice.  (bite my tongue)

6. People who touch me.  There was, no joke, two people in my 'serving career' who've slapped my hand.  Yeah...I know!  Who the F does that?  Seriously?  You just slapped my hand.  ha.   (Bite My F*n Tongue) you have to laugh, though... Who the F does that?!

7.  Hmmm.  See, I really do like my job...I'm finding it difficult to think of a 7th.  7 is the Birthday.  My husbands Birthday. & My favorite number.   That & it's after midnight now & we have an early hour date at Parker's Maple Barn in the morning...  I'll take a photo for you!  I'm debating Maple Ribs or Stuffed French Toast.  ....................sweet dreams. 

Stay Dining Classy!



1 comment:

  1. Having been a server myself in the past for 15 on and off years (and someone who may be revisiting this job again very soon)...I can sympathize with you and also add a few more to your list of peeves!
    1. People who mess with the table condiments. Take what you need and put back what you don't! NEATLY
    2. LISTEN when dressings or drinks are rattled off to you!
    3. People whose kids leave a MESS. Do a quick pick up before you take off-table mess is one thing, but cheerios and broken crayons on floor sucks.
    and
    4. Don't respond with, "a million dollars" when I ask you if you need anything else. Lame.

    :-) i have more but will digress. Ha!

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