Wednesday, June 6, 2012

you're a stranger...STILL.

I forgot to mention it last week on day one of this month, Happy June!  If Mother Nature would start delivering sunshine my head would (may) be in a much better place. Although, that's debatable. All this rain is draining.  I've been circling around and around worrying about an old friend, Again...who frankly, in the sense of the word hasn't been a "friend" in so long it really shouldn't be bothering me the way it is.  It's dredged up my own feelings of  self loathing, resentment, helplessness, anger, & worry that I'd effectively put to rest, but still have life and have come alive once again because I'm trying to understand How and Why my old friend hasn't already saved her own life & stopped jeopardizing the relationships she has with her children. All the reasons I used to self medicate are now staring me in the face again & while I have claimed victory with my own demons, there are scars that run deep & there will always be tears to accompany them. I've come to accept I will always feel sadness when I remember and relive the pain & what is all this for?  I can't make the difference in her life, only she can do that now.  So here I am, not only angry with her, but angry with myself for again side tracking my sanity to try and understand her lack of it.  Back in January, I declared for the New Year I'd wash my hands of the worry for her, I have to take care of me & can't save her from herself.  I had to skim back through my blogs to remind myself.    & here it is again...6 months later ~

you're a stranger
It's been a long time since we were close friends, but I've never stopped caring about you & always wonder how you are.  It's nice when we share brief messages, but I realize now, they're empty words.  They're lies. They're not you, you are not you.  I hate the you, you have become.  I cry for your children, I cry for your parents, I cry for your brother, I cry for everyone who cries along with me, for you.  In this New Year I say goodbye to trying to understand.  I say goodbye to the tears.  I'll stop wondering if 'today' will be the day your body joins your soul & I'll shed one final tear at your funeral.  Goodbye old friend, wherever you are, I hope you find a light in your darkness. I hope you find strength in your weakness.  I hope you choose to start living.  I love you, wherever you are.  Goodbye.

1 comment:

  1. It's so hard when you can extend your hand again and again, but the person you are reaching for isn't ready to grab for it. And you are right, for your own health and happiness sake...eventually you need to move on. You have such a great life, keep your concern but devote your caring to you and yours.