Friday, December 13, 2013

forever ago friday

I feel like yap'n and am procrastinating chores goes it.  pull'n from forever ago.  had a dream last night about my father. he died 14 years ago at the age of 50. some days when salt slips into a cut  and it stings I wonder if his molecules were involved. other days I wonder if he's behind the warmth of the sun.  there must have been a part of the dream that involved one of my old cars because I can't stop thinking about them.  weird.  it's pulling on my brain, now I shall dump...

we went to visit with my dads buddy, george, he owned a car lot.  he sent us in the back with all the junkers he planned to scrap.  my dad checked them all out and chose a 1972 amc concord.  they agreed on $100.  my very first car purchase.  it had a velvety maroon interior, complete with the high beam headlight button on the floor.  old school.  it was grey and maroon, my high school colors, but in desperate need of a paint job.  my dad got as far as priming it.  ha.  primer grey with a maroon roof.   I remember  I passed my license test, but he wouldn't let me take the car from his house until I changed a tire.  it's been twenty-five years since I've changed a tire, but I don't fear having to.. the steps are burnt into my fathers voice narrating.  I also had to help him fix my brakes in rotors because I let them go so long they growled when the car rolled, ha. didn't even have to touch the brake.  yikes.  that was a messy job and caught me an authoritative earful, half of which was in Finn, so I didn't even understand it. ha-ha  I still keep a trauma induced keen ear to brake noise. 

next up on my list of wheels I've owned is a 1982 vw jetta. diesel. manual.  this car fell into my dads hands and became mine, a younger car than the concord. one time my roommates and I didn't have enough gas to get to the station and we used gas one of my friends parents had in a jug. brilliant.  regular gas for their lawnmower.  this resulted in black smoke and bucking.  but after bucking to the gas station and filling it with diesel, no harm done.  ha-ha.  it was white with a canvas beige interior.  my radio/cassette player was swiped from it along the way.  one night I was at a card game and purchased a new "hot" player for short money from someone who was passing. score. connected the wires, slid it in the console, jammed out to my favorite tunes & not long after it was stolen.  probably from the very same people I purchased it from.  funny.

I can't remember what year golf it was, mid 80's is my best guess. after the jetta I drove a white vw golf. manual.  I had to pop the hood and disconnect the battery every time I parked it or it would continue to pump fuel and flood.  wicked safe. I think the interior was grey.  I had red fuzzy dice hanging from the rear view mirror that I forgot to grab when I purchased my first car that required a loan.  I was out driving one day, aimlessly...drove into a car lot, test drove a brand new ford escort, left my vw on the lot and drove home in a brand new car. 1997.  idiot. I paid too much. I should have showed up with my dad. lessons were learned.  ha-ha  it was the first car I'd driven that wasn't nearly as old as me.  and it was white.  I had a three car white car run.  someone once told me people who drive white cars are plain. are lacking in personality. der.  they stay looking the cleanest.  dirt shows more on darker shades like a dust.  which means my personality is fresh and clean. *wink*  there was about 170k miles on the escort, had a rebuilt engine with about 70k on it because my timing belt had broken and during the failure it cracked a cylinder, when it all went down I still didn't own the car.  that's an awesome few thousand dollar job on a vehicle you still have a note on.  worst scenario evah.  all in all the escort wasn't a horrible car, the engine job sucked the life out of me, but other than that it was general wear and tear fixes.  on our first lengthy road trip camping date in 99, the husband and I drove it to florida for NYE with phish at big cypress.  the very best phish festival I've been fortunate enough to attend.  & the escort was all part of it.  memories. 

It was 2006.   I'd looked at, but not test driven a dodge magnum, chrysler pt cruiser & a pontiac vibe, but the sales guy made me uncomfortable, he was pushy and I already felt like he was breathing down my neck and his breath stunk.  I stopped somewhere else on my way home and test drove a  toyota matrix, left the dealership feeling great...driving along, day dreaming about purchasing a 'new' used car and crack.  the tire rod on the escort snapped.  it was as if the car knew I was thinking about moving on and had one last thing to say.  I called a tow, had my mechanic fix it and drove it back to the dealership to trade it in for the car I still drive today.  grey..not white.  2005 toyota matrix.  turns out, grey hides dirt well, too.  there must be some sort of manufacturers defect with the matrix hubcaps.  I rarely see a matrix with all its hubcaps & I have lost all but one.  whatever, it's safe, gets me where I have to go and who knows after I run this good ole gal into the ground maybe I'll shoot for real wheels...  or a rocket ship.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Lyla's Words (4)

"can you spell, Daddy brings iced tea and candy upstairs, for me?  I know how to spell, Daddy, I need help with the other words."
Me: why do you want to spell this?
"because if I spell it and show my teachers, they'll be impressed and I'm pretty sure they'll give me two days off from school."


a conversation between a three and four year old

B:  my daddy was watching a movie with a clown.  a baby would not like this clown. he was scary and he was mean.   he broke a guys bike.

Ly: what did the clown do after?

B: I don't know.  I guess he rode the bike.

Ly:  he's not a scary clown.  he's a goofy clown.  goofy clowns ride broken bikes.

B & Ly:  hahahahaha  goofy clown.

Monday, November 18, 2013

incomplete thoughts

 I had this post in my drafts, it's incomplete & a bit of a ramble, but it was what was on my mind during the week a couple school shootings took place and two teachers died.  I came to my blog this morning to vent emotions over a recent bullying/hazing incident turned hate crime directed towards a young African American in a local town.  I had a lot on my mind, but in the end it comes down to the last thoughts I'd drafted in the below...Love.   While reading an article in the paper about what happened in the town neighboring my own, something jumped out at me, the young man spoke of his brothers and sisters.  Those few quoted sentences say a lot about him and the Love in his heart.

Two educators died this the hands of adolescents.   WTF?
I think back on my preadolescence/adolescence.  Was I teased? Sure was. Did I tease? I did.  It roots from insecurity.  I was Awkward.  At that age, aren't we all?  I look at photos and my head seems misshapen, like an alien, my teeth like giant chiclets that barely fit beneath my lips. Goofy. Awkward. Adolescent.  I was a late bloomer, so I got a lot of tiny titty taunts.  I was fair skinned and blonde, albino was tossed around then and again. Add to my, growing up isn't easy bag, the name..Seija Saariaho.  Back in the 70's and 80's you didn't come across many unique names like you do today.  By the time I'd reached middle school I'd heard every variation you can think of, not all of them light hearted.  I've had plenty of time to develop the ability to react with grace and humor, to quell situations not worth the worry ..but growing up, my name was just another weight added to already difficult stages, it set me apart as different. as unique & that's not something  you tend to appreciate at an age when all you want to do is fit in.  I was shy & serious....until I wasn't. 

I think we throw around the term bully too loosely these days. Teasing, which I personally think is a normal part of growing up, has fallen under the bully cloak.  I'm not saying teasing should be tolerated and we shouldn't insist our children do the right thing all the time. I teach my daughter to be respectful of others, not to treat anyone in a way she wouldn't want to be treated or spoken to. To show compassion and to also share her feelings good or bad. ... but my opinion, is Normal.  Parents are all too quick to make judgement & do the answering and dealing for the children and not teaching them the skills to confront and problem solve.  Parents need to do more listening with their ears and seeing with their eyes, offer resolutions and hang back.  In life we come to face many different personalities and the ability to deal with them appropriately is a key to happiness, it must be practiced with an approach that does not include violence.  To help them build their resilience in a world that isn't a Utopia and never will be.  We need to stop raising victims who seek revenge.  Arm our children with knowledge and the ability to react accordingly, to know the difference between a situation which needs to be addressed or brushed aside.  We must teach consideration and compassion, nurture empathy.  We need Love.  We all gotta just Love.

Monday, October 7, 2013


Hi!  My name is Mama Crumb and I totally suck at timely blogging.

There, got that out of the way.

Happy Fall!  My favorite time of year.  Sweater/Sweatshirt weather!  Except, I've been battling this anxiety issue a few times a week, for nearly a month.  Wicked Fun! *eye roll*  Having anything around my neck once it hits makes me crazy to a point of panic, I'm sitting here now...shirtless, tore it off in a fit of freaked out tears. As if not wearing a shirt somehow helps the air flow?!  Free the Ta Ta's!  Now if I were wearing one of those shirts it may make more sense.  The choking feeling is the first sign of an anxiety attack coming on if I don't count the headache that occasionally shows up a day or two in advance...guess I should be thankful I have some warning so, I can brace myself for the blurry vision.  That's what's happening face flushes, I feel like I can't breathe and my eyes go whack, like I'm wearing a prescription that's too strong.  I wish knowing why was quick and easy. It's my number one goal now to start keeping a journal, an anxiety column along side my calorie counting column in my weight loss journal.  Ha. Is this how I'm going to deal with all the aches, pains, gains and attacks of aging?  Something tells me I'm going to need a whole lot of columns.  Anyway, my goal and hopes are to narrow down possible external triggers, dissect and reign myself back down to my 'mostly' anxiety free warped world.. all while staying clear of a head doctor holding a prescription pad.  Damn it, it's sweater/sweatshirt weather and it's get'n a lil too chilly for tank tops or shirtless & my wallet doesn't hold funds to buy a v-neck wardrobe.   If things work to my advantage I'll put a turtleneck on my list to Santa.

I officially have a psychological disorder.

I can Breathe.



Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Summah Love'n

So many people are in the, Summer is over, mindset.
"slow down you move too fast"
There's still 25 days until the Autumnal Equinox which gives me plenty of time to add to this list...

It's painfully obvious I DIDN'T Blog.
Here is a list of 100 things I Did do this far.

  1.  painted my toes while I sat outside enjoying the warmth of sunshine.
  2.  tripped on my big toe while walking on the beach and pretended it didn't
       totally kill to continue walking.
  3.  played off a bee sting on the instep of my foot like it didn't hurt
       like a son of a bee sting, so the kids wouldn't wig out and want to
       play indoors away from the bees.
  4.  laughed until my belly ached.
  5.  snipped flowers for a vase.
  6.  played fetch with Oscar.
  7.  grew vegetables in containers on our deck.
  8.  dried up my herb garden.
  9.   mowed the lawn.
 10.  filled and tossed water balloons.
 11.  built sandcastles.
 12.  read a half dozen chic lit books.
 13.  swam in the ocean.
 14.  got salt water up my nose.
 15.  jumped waves.
 16.  squeezed a lime down the neck of a Corona and squirted myself in the eye.
 17.  flew a kite.
 18.  ate fried dough.
 19.  played old school arcade games.
        Ms. Pacman and Paperboy are my favorites.
 20.  rode a bike.
 21.  saw Derek Trucks and Susan Tedeschi Band.
 22.  had a hula hoop contest.
 23.  watched hand stand contests.
 24.  made fresh squeezed lemonade.
 25.  bought ice cream from the ice cream truck.
 26.  collected sea shells.
 27.  ran through a sprinkler.
 28.  was hosed down by a laughing toddler.
 29.  used sticks in the woods as princess wands.
 30.  grilled steaks.
 31.  shucked corn.
 32.  steamed clams.
 33.  played hopscotch.
 34.  kicked soccer balls.
 35.  jumped rope.
 36.  itched bug bites until they bled.
 37.  boogied down at the Black Crowes in Boston.
 38.  ate blueberries right off the bush.
 39.  cursed air conditioning.
 40.  praised air conditioning.
 41.  played cribbage.
 42.  won Keno.
 43.  lost more Keno than I won.
 44.  wore sandals 99.6% of the time.
 45.  ran in my crocs and didn't clumsy down on my face.
 46.  air dried my hair every time it was wet.
 47.  day dreamed.
 48.  rinsed sand from my crack.
 49.  floated in a pool.
 50.  played bocce.
 51.  toasted marshmallows.
 52.  licked chocolate off my face after two biting a s'more.
 53.  buried my toes in beach sand.
 54.  ate cold pizza for breakfast.
 55.  had ice cream sundaes for dinner.
 56.  watched Christmas movies.
 57.  slathered sunblock.
 58.  consoled crying children.
 59.  put bandaids on boo boos.
 60.  french braided hair.
 61.  enjoyed wind blown hair.
 62.  had an allergic reaction.
 63.  sprayed and spread sunblock.
 64.  had dance parties in my kitchen.
        ...sometimes solo.
 65.  went to bed with dirty feet.
 66.  had an encounter with a moth...stuck between my eye and the inside of
        my eyeglass lens.
 67.  tried new recipes.
 68.  sipped cold cocktails.
 69.  smiled until my cheeks ached.
 70.  ate too much.
 71.  drank too little.
 72.  ate too little.
 73.  drank too much.
 74.  log rolled down a grassy hill.
 75.  helped make wishes come true.
 76.  photographed memories.
 77.  wrote down thoughts.
 78.  stressed over spending too much money.
 79.  saved some money.
 80.  clipped coupons.
 81.  celebrated Birthdays with great friends.
 82.  hit up BBQ's.
 83.  reunited with long time friends.  muah!
 84.  air dried laundry on the line.
 85.  taught lessons.
 86.  learned lessons.
 87.  wasted hours on the internet.
 88.  spent countless hours playing outdoors.
 89.  went to the zoo.  the lions are my favorite!
 90.  fed goats.
 91.  sang the alphabet.
 92.  counted to 100 more days than I can remember.
        my counting partner quits at 37ish.
 93.  read storybooks aloud.
 94.  listened to audio books.
 95.  had a great time dancing to the opening band, Tauk, at the
        Robert Randolph & the Family Band show.
 96.  cleaned dirt from my fingernails.
 97.  bought Pearl Jam tickets for the Fall.
 98.  enjoyed kid free date nights with the husband.
 99.  hugged.
100. kissed.


Thursday, May 23, 2013

neurotic wife

the husband & I had to switch cars last night.  my car has a car seat.  his doesn't.  easier to switch cars than move car seats when he needs to drive the kid around.  ?  anyway,  I plop myself down in his ride, turn the key and notice this orange light on the panel.  it looked like an exclamation point between parenthesis.  I thought to myself...This Can't Be Good.  OH NO!  I busted his car.   haha  No, I turned the key, the pistons fired, I had Nothing to do with this light.   he must have seen it. It's orange.  It's an exclamation point, you can't miss it!   I pull into the driveway at home.. turn off the car, the light goes dark...but the thought is there.  nagging.  I turn on the interior light, pull out the car manual from the glove box and find the meaning behind the light.  Low Tire Pressure.  I turn the key one more time, pop the gear shift into the reverse and off I go to the convenience store to power up Air.  :)  Light off.  back home. bed. Lights out.

Neurosis or Sweet, a little of this, a little of that.

Friday, April 26, 2013

Lyla's Words (3)

Our neighbors adopted a rescue dog.  Lyla asked if was mean or nice and whether she could pet him. We tried, but he was spooked when Lyla approached him, he growled and backed away.  As we walked away I explained to Lyla that he was rescued from a shelter & he's still adjusting to his new home and surroundings, maybe some day he'll warm up to her, as she hopped back onto her bicycle and starting pedaling, with curiosity and concern in her voice she asked, "Mama, what kind of Dangerous situations do you think he was rescued from?"     the next day she was in the backyard playing rescue girl.   :)

"Okay, Boss!"
She calls me Boss now.  I told her the other day she wasn't the boss, I was.   ha-ha  words that come back to bite.

"I kind of feel four.  A little like four."
on her Birthday

"I'm FOUR.  I'm still leaving the training wheels on my big girls bike FOREVER because I'm a big girl and it's scary on my big girls bike even when I get the hang of it."

"I think we should have a group hug."
any time and every time Lyla, Daddy & I are in the same room.  we love group hugs.  Even Oscar.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

stretch of time

I hit a St. Patrick's Day jackpot$!  Stuffed half away for a rainy day, threw some at the husband for being the great guy he is..if I win, He wins!  and set off to spend a portion of my "it's my lucky day" winnings on new clothing! I was elated with the prospect of a child free shopping adventure!    what did I find?  Nothing!  It all Sucks!  Horizontal Stripes, No Thanks!  Neon. REALLY?  We're coming full circle back to neon?  Been there, wasn't eye appealing on the first go.  Is it possible to find something that won't have me resembling a giant walking wad of play dough?   If the shades aren't offensive enough everything has giant logo's or graphics plastered across the chest or pockets.  Garbage.  Giant Flowers.  I'm half expecting to see a Georgia O'Keeffe label.  Sheer, so much sheer...I want a shirt, I don't want a shirt and another shirt to wear beneath the one shirt I want.  Doilies draped on hangers...another two shirt requirement.  Jeans with embroidered bedazzled ass pockets...come the F on!  Seriously?!   I want to minimize my ass, not throw it on display!
...on display. on display.  ha.  I'll leave that to Melissa Gorga.
 I did try to find something to like and feel good about spending money on.  I painstakingly sifted through the racks and visited the dressing room half a dozen times.  On my first visit the retail associate counted my items, gave me my number (10-told you I tried. hard). I went on my way, choosing a dressing room in the middle of the row.  I'm inside wearing a couple of my selections.  They're dreadful. I look awful at every angle, as I'm shaking my head at my reflection in the mirror, I hear a whimper.  & again.  For a moment..crazy talk in my head suggests it's my subconscious trying to break through to be sure I don't buy the outfit I'm test wearing.  No, it was another someone. ...a someone out there, on the other side.  I hold my breath to get a closer hear.
 Someone asks, "Are you okay?"
The whimper barely audible, "I'm just going through a difficult time in my life."
and she sobs.  
No!  Make it Stop!  Stop Sobbing!  difficult time?!  Then, get the F out of the dressing room!
Get the F out!  Go Home with your baggage, I'm trying to enjoy a child free, whining free, I can lallygag and whistle softly shopping trip!   You're a downer, (wo)man!
I'm still staring at myself in the mirror & now, I'm laughing.  on the inside.  Hahahaha  My child free shopping adventure is sucking me into someones sob fest. 
The phone rings.  I stand motionless, listening. The sobbing woman starts speaking.  Ah-Ha! It's the sales associate who is battling troubles in life!   Odd.  She didn't look visibly distraught when she checked me in.  I must not have made eye contact.  what color was her hair?  did her voice crack?  is she wearing neon, flowers, swirling graphics or a doily?  WHO CARES!?  This shopping journey has taken a wrong turn.  What do I do?  do I stay in the room and finish trying on this rack of crap I don't particularly care for or do I run?   I stand.  Motionless.  Listening.
"I'm okay," she says.
NO!  Clearly, you Are Not Okay! & I'm trying to enjoy myself and now I'm trapped in a dressing room! I'm suddenly in shopping prison.  If I leave, I feel awkward.  If I stay, I feel trapped.
Then, I hear a mans voice.  Another employee. 
"My grandfather isn't well."  she says...her whimper still lingering.
and they speak, I can't decipher the words well, they must be facing the other direction. 
I hear a new voice.  another employee.
The crying has ended.  Shopping peace has been restored.  I'm free!  She is free, to cry in private.
Until I walk out of the dressing room and there's a child wailing on the other side of the store.
A mother shuffling through dresses on a rack while her two sons, in martial arts uniforms bounce around kicking and blocking each other.  HA! 
Not my night.

It's been so long since I've set out on a hunt for clothing for myself, any dressing room I've been in has been with a 3 foot 3 year old who LOVES to try on dresses!  I'm more comfortable in that role.
I don't shop for myself.  I buy tshirts at merch booths & wear 15 year old jeans.  It works for me & it's annoyance free.  

Monday, March 11, 2013

lightening the load v14

Day 57 of weight loss challenge.  The Final Weigh Out!  A clothed loss of 25lbs.  My home scale read 28lbs naked this morning.  I met my goal of 10% and just missed .5 of the secondary.  11.5% of my weight in 8 weeks.   
I lost the challenge.  womp..womp..womp.
It's disappointing, Lyla told me she'd set a challenge up for me and I could win hers. ;) 
The winner lost 16.5% of her weight. Which is great for her, but a bummer for me.  Yay, for Skeletor!  I would have had to starve myself or hope for a 26 hour day to find more time to work out, my lifestyle just couldn't keep up with that kind of loss in just 8 weeks.  Sucks.  Second Place SUCKS!  3/11/13  the day I was both a winner and a failure.

Excuse me while I go cry into a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream....

Taking the rest of the week off from strict counting & back to it next Monday.  Looking forward to my next 25lb loss.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

lightening the load v13

Closing out my weight loss challenge with a week of the cabbage soup diet in a last ditch effort to catch up to the weight loss leader.  day two.  It Blows!  I want to detonate every head of cabbage I see!  Pass the M80!  F Cabbage swimming in a bowl of water! add the 10 and 11 glasses of water I drink a day and I'm afloat & smell like cabbage.  Worst Idea Ever!
This cabbage diet may ruin my love of cole slaw...Oh, nothing could do that, cole slaw includes one of my favorite condiments.  MMMM...I do love condiments.  They liven up food in all the right ways.  I gave them up for this challenge.   Mostly.   Even a 5 calorie condi was more than I wanted to splurge during the past 7 weeks.  Seven Weeks!  Can you believe it's been that long?!  I was down 23lbs until this Morning...when PMS showed up with 5lbs of extra bloat.   Grrrr.  So, not only am I choking on cabbage, I'm bloated!  It's hilarious, with a sinister laugh.  AND, chances are even after suffering these last 7 days of cabbage choking I still won't win.  I fricken hate to lose.  Some already skinny bitch who consumed about 800 (if that) calories a day for 7 weeks will win it with a 14% weight loss.  Sure, good for her, the 20lb bubble butt is gone & now she can fit back into her size 5's.  F YOU!  Eat a Sandwich, Skeletor!  HA.  I'm teasing.  I'm happy for everyone who's come this far.  I'm sure it wasn't easy for her to starve herself.  If she does in fact win, Good for her,  'She beat me straight up. Pay her. Pay that woman her money' my best KGB voice.
I've really done a great job, losing 23lbs in 7 weeks is no easy feat. I'm shocked & extremely proud of my results so far.  Consuming between 1000 and 1400 well rounded healthy calories a day for 50 plus days.. is work.  I've spent so much time in the kitchen washing, cutting and coring fresh fruit and vegetables.   Going 100% Fresh required me to make time for prep. I feel good.  I have more energy...ha, as I typed that I let out a mouth widening eye scrunching yawn.

Six Days till the Weigh Out!   My palm is's my right palm.  does that mean I'm coming into money?  :)  Stay Tuned.   If I throw salt over my shoulder does it bring shed pounds or good fortune?  & how much does a horseshoe weigh because I could always jam one of those up my butt for luck...

Monday, February 25, 2013

Lightening the Load v12

Holy Canoli Drizzed with Fudge!  Only 2 weeks left before I motorboat a bowl of pasta coated in full fat cheese with a meatball and a side of fried calamari, french fries & a greasy cheeseburger with Bacon. and mayonnaise. & a large pizza extra cheese.  toss in a three whole egg omelet with broccoli and cheddar.  & homefries! hash!  a steak & cheese with mayonnaise and hots.  An Italian Sub dressed with oil.  corn chowder!   OR I'll probably settle for a nice juicy steak and a couple martinis.  With 14 days left I haven't reached a 10% loss yet, but I'm dancing around it.  It could be a real possibility to reach the secondary 12% loss.  I'm not exactly sure how everyone else is doing in this challenge, there are talks of an already 11% loss, questionable whether it's truthful disclosure or an attempt to induce early defeat & weight gaining grub'n.  I'm sand bag'n to the finish & going balls to the wall for the W, the numbers will speak in two weeks.  

I feel Great!  If I don't include my full on exhaustion from 3 days of social engaging activities.  Not to mention 3 different cakes/cupcakes I had to decline to stay on my weight loss track.  The cheat friendly situations I conquered is almost comical.  A gauntlet of sugary sweets. As if weekends aren't difficult enough when it comes to a steadfast healthy low calorie eating regimen. 

It's Monday.  Hooray! 

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

lightening the load v11

Day 30!  Holy Crikey!  Thirty days without overloading on carbohydrates or portions large enough for both, Paul & his ox?!   I have to be honest, I almost caved during the weekend Blizzard. Stuck inside craving greasy steak & cheese, lasagna, meatballs, sausage, chicken parm, potato skins, spinach dip with a loaf of bread, linguine with garlic oil.  ugh.  I buckled up and maneuvered through cabin fever with healthy eating precision. Sort of.  I did have that one tooth snarling, mouth scoffing brownie incident, but it was either that or pms violence...'ain't nobody got time for that!'
Last week during full on premenstrual bloat I hopped on the scale.  and hopped off as if my feet grazed red hot coals.   Five friggen pounds of bloat.  Dude, I was under serious mental duress after I watched that needle climb. Yes...I do have an old ass scale with the needle & Yes, it is 2013.  After my eyes set sight on what at my best guestimate..with my failing eyes and those itty bitty lines on my dial was a five pound increase from the prior week. I felt slapped with defeat & was one pot of boiling water away from twirling my fork through lip licking linguine and garlic oil with a mound of cheese.  I would have spun those oil glazed noodles through that mountain of freshly grated with a toothy grin plastered across my, not yet slim enough, face.  yum.
*Snap out of it*
I found a moment of clarity somewhere between a snack of pineapple and a handful of Triscuits . I knew if I didn't freak out and hunt for food to heal my bloated superficial wound I'd survive the Blizzard of 2013 with my weight loss in check.  Mostly.  ha.  I say that now, because I'm remembering a dough ball of monkey bread I took down in two bites.  One Hundred and Sixty Calories in Two Bites!  Never had monkey bread before & I felt obligated to try it because it was a gift package from the Holidays.  Excuses. Excuses.  HA.   Whatever the battle between my ears is for my monkey bread chomping, it was good, but Not two bites for a 160 calories good.

I'm proud to report: another two pounds lost after I dropped Aunt Dot off with all her luggage.  I'll take it!  Day 30 and 14 pounds shed.   Twenty-six more days to go before I find out if I win this weight loss challenge.   No, let me correct myself...before.. I Win, this weight loss challenge.  Ha!   There is some stiff competition. I'm hoping because of all my excess flab I can continue to lose the way I have been right up until the end and those lighter competitors will be stopped dead in their already smaller tracks a week or two before the finish.  I'm still in a bit of shock of how far I've come in such a short time.  It's almost as quick as I'd gained it.  That Never happens!  Ever!  ...Until now.   I've been day dreaming about my next weight goal & keep telling myself.  One.  One pound. One day.  One goal. a time. 

Saturday, February 9, 2013

lightening the load v10

her top lip slowly slid up over her eye teeth,  her eyes scanning with a determined intensity. there had to be something to quiet the craving monster within. there were grunts, lip smacks, appeasing sighs, & then silence.

strawberry frosted brownie.  not a crumb left.

day three of premenstrual syndrome. 
white flag.


Monday, February 4, 2013

lightening the load v9

Entering week four of the eight week weight loss challenge.  Halfway there!  almost.  Total loss 22 days in is Twelve pounds!  OH Yah,  That's Right! HIGH FIVE!  In some aspects it's been pretty easy to get to today. I haven't been starving myself, although there have been brief moments when I felt famished.. it was my mind playing tricks & it's so tempting to just fall back into bad habits.  Portions too large.  The adhering to serving sizes that seem so tiny because I've been over sizing for so long.  What?  a piece of chicken no bigger than my fist?  What is this, the kids menu? Bites out of boredom, stress, and sadness. It would feel 'normal' for me to stop thinking about change & just go with what I know.  Hello!  What I know bought me a fat ass!  I'm determined to keep telling my head to STFU.   The eating healthy is easy, I grew up on all the foods I've fallen back on during this challenge.  The adjusting my relationship with food is proving to be the battle, a battle I'm 'losing' my ass off to win.  It's a struggle.. a constant nagging in my head.  STFU!! Emotional eating is a hard habit to break.  so good.
It's a bit more work to wash, dry and cut fruit or steam some veggies for a snack than opening a prepackaged 'snacky', but I've always been a fan of fresh fruit.. that work isn't 'new', something about fruit in a plastic bowl on a shelf in a store gives me the heebie jeebies. That crap is for bunkers.  I never, before this challenge, would have had half an oven roasted acorn squash as a snack or lunch, but for 115 calories it's a great option. I never would have taken the yolk from the egg off my plate if I wasn't constantly calculating calories in my head.. "that's 50 calories."  For a Yolk?  Take it! I'd rather mix in the protein with some beans, nuts or cheese...50 for a yolk is a joke. Having to sometimes make two dinners is New...half the stuff I've been eating the husband doesn't want to set an eye on, let alone scoop up and chew it.  I'd bet all the money I win in this challenge, once I win it...that he has never in his life had a bite of a piece of eggplant.  I bet he doesn't know what kale looks like.  He told me my brussels sprouts smelled like farts.  yeah. they did.  and they make me gassy, too.  Ha-ha I knew he wasn't a vegetable wiz way back during our first couple years together in the 90's, he saw a jar of artichoke hearts on the refrigerator door and told me that I was disgusting if I eat a heart of an animal.  Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!  I still laugh just as hard today when I think of it.  Hilarious.  I love him.  He's doing well on the "did you, you should, good job" list of ways to help me through the changes I'm making.  He's still indulging hardcore on the weekends, which tests my will. I'm a bit envious.  BUT...I want to Win!  As he was sliding his leftover meat lovers pizza box into the fridge he touched the tofu container and shivered with disgust.  Really?  That's a bit dramatic, Cowboy.  If he tried at least one bite of my tofu burger on a pita quarter with some fixings he'd probably be pleasantly surprised & it's under 200 calories!
My Super Bowl menu was a bit different than his, he made delicious looking and smelling wings, I could have had a couple to just try, but decided it better to step back and make my own thing.  I did splurge on a piece of calzone & took tiny bites to savor the greasy goodness.

Wings from the oven, dipped in vegetable oil, salt & pepper and then baked for 50 on 450.

Honey, Ginger & Soy Wings.  & Hot Wings
You can catch a glimpse of the corner of the bowl with my portabella mushroom, zucchini and red onion stir fry.

My mushroom wrap ingredients were 219 calories, the burrito wrap 170. 

Calzone with Genoa Salami, Hot Capicola and Provolone  was 311 a serving.

For breakfast I  had some coffee and an egg white scramble with eggplant, bean sprouts, pepper and onion for a total of 116 calories.  Between lunch and dinner I had an acorn squash with drizzled honey for 140 calories and a cup of tea.

After dinner I had a bit of salsa and nacho chips, it was a perfect ending to a low calorie Super Bowl Sunday!  I'd planned to have a few beers, but just never felt the need.  My 55 calorie Bud Selects are still chilling...for now.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Happy Groundhog Day!

It appears the skin on my face is irritated with my new eating habits.  ?? WTF.  you'd think it would be glowing with the overkill of fresh vegetables and fruit I've consumed in the last 18 days, but the red splotches and beneath the skin pimples prove otherwise.  I'm caught in this battle between covering it up with make up to make me feel prettier, or swipe it with alcohol to dry it and leave my face bare to breathe and look like a pimply mess.  

Update on above:  Three days after I began & never finished this post.  It has cleared up, for the most part.  Thanks Goodness.  Every time I looked at my face in the mirror I felt anxious, it looked as if someone had used my face as a pin cushion, or could it be I have an enemy with a voodoo habit, that would be interesting, but I'm confident it's just another "surprise"  you're getting older and falling apart!  Welcome to middle aged acne.  ha.  The Joys of aging.  I did give myself a good one, twice, thrice over with a swab of alcohol and refrained from makeup for a couple days.  Yeah, alcohol on winter dry skin was interesting.  What's worse... A red splotchy pimple face or a face that looks like peeling paint?  

Stay tuned for an update on the weight loss front & Enjoy your Superbowl weekend!

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

lightening the load v8

Two weeks & a couple days into the eight week weight loss challenge.  Weighed myself yesterday & as long as my eyes were not deceiving me, I've lost 8lbs.   Nice!   I'm almost halfway back to where I was before I lost control and gained half of the weight I'd lost last year back.  I'm 8lbs closer to winning this weight loss challenge.  I'm doing it!  I'm surviving on 1400 calories or less a day and nobody has been injured.  I didn't even have to hide the sharp objects!    yet.  I haven't had pasta in over Two Weeks!  Sad face.  I haven't had a potato in over Two Weeks!  Sad Face.  I haven't had more than a couple tablespoons of rice in over Two Weeks!  Sad Face. I haven't had more than one slice of bread or half a pita pocket a day in over Two Weeks!  Sad Face.  I haven't had an egg yolk in over Two Weeks!  WTF.   ha.  All those sad faces are part of the reason I'm sitting her on an ass that weighs eight pounds less and that makes me Smile. big.   I was talking about it last night before bed with the husband, he asked where I thought I'd lost the pounds, from which part of my body.  This morning while I showered I was wondering about it and looked down and saw my feet.  clearly.  I don't know if I could do this before, I don't usually look down at my feet. BUT maybe my belly shrunk or my boobs shrunk. It's more likely that the breasts took another slide outward and under the pits, but I definitely saw my feet.  clearly.  Whether this was the case over two weeks ago, I have not a clue. 

41 Days to Go until the Money weigh in.
One day at a time.
One glimpse at the feet a day from here on out.

Damn, I'd love a juicy bacon cheeseburger on an extra large bun slathered with mayo and ketchup.
In my dreams.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

lightening the load v7

You know when it's so cold your nipples feel like they'd shatter if you grazed them?'s That cold today. 

You know when it's so cold you can feel the posts of your earrings freezing your earlobes into little blocks of ice from the inside out?  Yeah, it's That cold today.

You know when it's so cold your nose hairs freeze to the walls of your nostrils with that first frigid air inhale?  Yeah, it's That cold today.

You know when it's so cold you just want to cuddle up with hot cocoa and steaming comfort food?
Yeah, It Won't be That kind of cold day for me today.  Knock on wood.

Day 11 of my 8 week weight loss challenge.  I was feeling on top of my game until reports of first week losses hit my ears.  A drop nearing double digits, another not far behind.  Wha, What?  Seriously? in ONE week? If slow and steady doesn't win this challenge I may be in the losers bracket.  I'm tempted to put my glasses on, march upstairs and see with my eyes the exact number of pounds I've lost, but I don't want to get my mind all twisted up in the number if it's not what I want it to read.  I need to be happy for them and their loss and feel comfortable with my progress.  I need to stay out of my head...especially, alone.  I know where I think I need to be to win this challenge with the greatest percentage of weight loss, I've since adjusted my first guestimate and will shoot for 12% rather than 10% & just plug away at it for another 45 days.  One day at a time.  & while I may be happy for all those other women losing, Look Out there's no Cook Out over here only a freight train coming atchya!  Chuggah, Chuggah,  Choo!  Chew!

Winnah, Winnah, Chicken Dinnah!   ha.  I wish.  Fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy would be great cold day steaming food.  *wink*  Fried chicken and waffles, I'd love that for dinnah!   Although, the orange simmered pork chops with mango relish (360 calories a serving) I'm cooking for dinner will be enjoyable.   on a bed of wilted spinach.   eh,  the spinach part sucks when a starch would hit the 'cold' spot.   Sacrifice.

I'm wearing a knit hat and scarf eating a fried egg white on a quarter of toasted pita.  I'm warm and it's only 60 calories.  Baby, it's cold outside, but not that comfort food kind of cold.  Perseverance.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013


Sketch yourself a Happy New Year!
Corey, Lyla, Seija & Oscar

Sparkling 2013 New Year's
Shutterfly always has unique designs for our holiday cards.
View the entire collection of cards.

Monday, January 21, 2013

lightening the load v6

It's been a week!  I survived a week of 1400 calories a day...well, & that one day that it crept up to 2200.  eeek. over all it was a great first week, now seven more to go before I win this weight loss challenge.   I have lost weight, but my eyes aren't keen enough to know exactly how much.  ha.  I don't have a digital scale and my eyes, without my glasses, can't decipher how many little lines I've decreased on my old school dial scale. Sure, I could put on my glasses and schlep myself upstairs, but knowing I've lost is good enough for now.
I feel good.  I don't feel bloated like I did.  I've done a bit of cardio exercise to ease myself into a routine, not much.  This week I'll incorporate more time on the elliptical and may start with a little resistance and light weight work.  Less weight more reps will propel me to win this weight loss challenge!  

Happy Monday!  My day will be sprinkled with fun, a Monday full of the fun of laundry sorting, washing, drying, folding, putting away.  What a great Day!  We'll throw in a trip to the gym for gymnastics, then back home for more of that laundering fun.  We'll have to peel ourselves away from all our fun with the washer and dryer mid-afternoon for even bigger fun & take a trip to the dentist.  OH yeah, I told you, this day has Fun written all over it!  Lyla told me I should cancel her appointment because she doesn't want to go & doesn't Need to because she knows how to brush her teeth already....apparently, she's onto my sarcastic 'this will be fun' tone.  Buck up, Kid.. the Fun never ends!

You know what's great fun?  shoveling up frozen dog poop in the backyard...I can't believe the husband leaves all this fun for me, he's so thoughtful.   Just this morning he said, "It would be nice if you could go to work for me today."  & leave all this fun behind.  No F*n Way, off you go, This Fun is All Mine! 

Friday, January 18, 2013

lightening the load v5

Despite my desire to lose a day, today is Day 5, not yesterday like my hungry for excessive coupled with empty calorie deprived brain had hoped.

Ahhhh, deep breath.  inhale.  exhale.  Day Five of my 8 week weight lost challenge, again. Still so early in the game..the beginning of the quest to find a thinner healthier me beneath my emotionally gained armor of fat, veiled with winning cash.
The husband called earlier..he wants, Pizza Hut, for supper.  Pizza Hut?  I can't remember the last time I had Pizza Hut & it's a good thing because I'm guessing it's 100 calories just to smell a slice.  Lick a slice.. 300.    No Pizza Hut for me, I'm on a mission & I won't detour to the Hut...only Five days in.  I cannot promise my drive to stay the course won't be derailed..on day six.
I'll be creating my own bite on a local pizza shops "Big Mac" pizza.  A bit of calorie rebellion compared to much of my choices in the last several days, but made at home where I can control the calorie content.  Hamburg, pizza dough, cheese, onion, pickle, lettuce, thousand island.  I don't have the hamburg & no desire to hit the store. I'm faced with a need to improvise. I have a cup of taco beef in a container in the fridge  leftover from the husbands taco night Wednesday.  I figure if I rinse it to wash some of the taco seasoning and warm it, it won't be too bad of an option.  Ha-Ha.  Ghett-Oh! 
Today will prove to be a difficult day.  It's Friday.  While many people are throwing their arms up in celebration, I'm calculating the degree of restraint I'll need to practice during pig out days of the week, for at least the last few months it's been customary to indulge, proceed without caution, eat like it's your last meal on the weekends. It's a great time until the pants you bought in August have buttons literally tearing away from the fabric because you're squeezing ten pounds of ricotta cheese into a single size ravioli...with that imagine burnt in my mind it wasn't a difficult choice to go healthy and light with leftovers at the lunch hour.   I made it work & honestly, I was less than thrilled when I figured out what I had to work with, in the end it was pretty darn tasty.  My lentil rice burger on a pita and mango slices rang in for 226 calories. I used an egg white to help form my "burger."
This is the kind of eating that will catapult me to the winners bracket of this weight loss challenge.    I'm practicing the bowing of my head, so I have perfect form for the ceremony when I'm adorned with the winners crown.   There is a crown, no?!   Oh, okay, maybe a crown would be too over the top, I'll practice my "show me the money" winning dance & if the end I don't win at least I've knocked calories down along the way pretending.

My use what you have in the fridge & make it healthy lunch.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

lightening the load v3

Day 3
up early to throw together sausage, peppers, onions and potatoes for a luncheon at the husbands office.  the smell had my nose hairs dancing while I poured his coffee & bundled up to head out to clear away some falling snow.  while I was out there I was thinking about why it is I do the morning routine?  do I enjoy getting up early and preparing my mans lunch & coffee because it makes me happy to make him happy or because I need to do it to tighten some loose screw in my head, if I do it then I know the creamer will be in the "right" place in the fridge when I open it, or the cabinet doors won't be left open, or a dirty knife won't be left on the counter instead of in it's place in the sink. waking up to a scene like that would rattle my silly as that sounds.
the snow was light. I'd planned to just clear off the stairs and breathe in some fresh snowy air, but it was so light I decided not to wait until it stops later to use the snow blower, but to instead shovel his side of the driveway... it drives me nutso when there are packed snow tire tracks that ice silly as it sounds.
it was so quiet out there, just me and my ground scraping shovel.   Smile.
ran inside to pull the pan of food out of the oven and pack it up to go & back out I went..after throwing together breakfast for Lyla..why not finish my side of the driveway, who cares if I have to do it all over again when the snow stops dropping.  after coming in I began with my wednesday routine, I work tonight & if I don't iron my clothes first thing in the morning it bothers me, it nags my brain until it's silly as it sounds.  I have so many of these little things that I keep order, I suppose I do it to help balance the things I can't control, for instance the color wonder mess free disney princess pack with glitter I just opened for Lyla.  the markers are mess free...the glitter, not so much.  it shall now be a sparkly day & given the amount of time I've already spent in my head it will probably, also be a day I spend venturing into my mind asking Why I do the things I do, The Way I do them hoping to uncover something new within my quirks.

I didn't get a chance to upload and post some photos last night of a pretty tasty meal.
Turkey Salisbury Steaks with a White Bean Mash   ...sure mashed potatoes would have knocked this up a few notches, but would have increased the calories & I'm trying to win a weight loss challenge, remember?!

I made a baked sweet potato for the husband because I knew he'd snub the white bean mash.  The onion soup mix, as you can imagine, is high in sodium.  I think the next time I make the turkey burgers I'd mince or chop a real onion.  It's definitely a meal we'll have again.
The recipes won a Down-To-Earth Classics Category in 2009 for

I also made a chick pea dip to snack on with crackers or pita chips the rest of the week. Delicious! I'm not sure how long I've had the recipe or what issue it was in, but it's from a Martha Stewart Living Magazine.

I couldn't find the recipe through the online search engine to post a link directly to it, so here it goes....

2 Cans (15 ounces each) unsalted chickpeas, drained and rinsed.
(reserve 1/3 cup liquid)
2 Tablespoons EVOO
  Coarse Salt and Freshly Ground Pepper
1/2 Cup fresh basil, coarsely chopped
8 Radishes, chopped
1 Small garlic clove, finely grated
1/4 Cup fresh lemon juice (from 2 or 3 lemons)

Lightly mash chickpeas, oil 1 teaspoon salt, and 3/4 teaspoon pepper in a bowl until creamy but still chunky.  Stir in basil, radishes, garlic and lemon juice.  Stir in reserved chickpea liquid, 1 tablespoon at a time, until dip holds together.  Refrigerate for at least 30 minutes.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

lightening the load v2

I can win this weight loss challenge.

I can win this weight loss challenge.

I'm not hungry.

I am a little hungry.  Ha!  

It's Day 2, I expected to feel a bit empty...after all, any day last week when I felt the slightest twinge of boredom or stress I reached for comfort in the form of food.  It's satisfying.  Until you can't button your pants without taking a deep breath...then, it's emotional discomfort.   Typical, my emotional eating turns back and slaps me in the face.   
and just like that....I don't have time to finish what was on my mind because it's impossible to complete a thought in my head & then type it with a child pulling at my arm asking me for this, then that..then this again.  & it would be far too much to ask the husband to pay less attention to what He's doing, that would be ludicrous! Crazy Talk! Call the white coats & commit this woman! 

I bought myself another two minutes with the promise to read an extra book tonight before bed time, which has quickly come and will be gone if I don't hurry....

Check out the list of ingredients I used in some yummy food today....

peanut butter
green pepper
butternut squash
crumbled blue cheese
garlic italian
dried cranberries
ground turkey
chicken broth
tomato paste
white beans
chic peas


I've off to bed & believe it or not, I'm not hungry after two back to back 1400 calorie days.

Monday, January 14, 2013

lightening the load v1

My incentive to lose weight Should be the fact that I initially felt a pang of embarrassment with the thought of  hopping on a scale and sharing the number with other people and sure maybe that moment of flush will be a powerful factor in sticking with this drive to not only lose the weight, but lose the highest percentage of weight to win some Money.  At the end of the day...Cash is King & damn it, I want that Ca$h     and I'm exhausted with being a fat ass.

Day One.  3 hours since weigh in.   I could have vomited in my mouth when I saw the numbers flash on the scale.  Holy Pounds!  Who knew morning coffee would weigh me down so much?!  HA!
Oh, by the way...I'm F*n Starving!   It's all in my head.

It's all in my head.

It's all in my head.

6 hours after weigh in.

50 ounces of water later...
coffee with milk later...
scrambled egg white later...
slice of toast with peanut butter and banana later...
nacho chips and salsa snack later...
couple cups of roasted eggplant and butternut squash later...

nobody has been hurt.


I haven't thought much about my plan, other than making myself accountable for every morsel I put in my mouth & chew.  & swallow.   If I was into spitting I'd have an entirely different set of issues to manage, both sides of this road can be gnarly.  Accountability and...I have to get moving, drag this fat ass around. move it. groove it.  I have videos & an elliptical machine, but today I chose housework, I can't scare myself away from my "plan" that I don't have too soon in this quest for a narrower ass.  4 loads of laundry from the bedrooms to the basement, 16 flights..that'll give you jelly legs...and that is only the laundry runs., I don't know how I fell so far behind with the laundry?  I realize my memory is that of a 40 year old & my screws are loosening, but the 3 baskets of folded laundry prove I haven't been a total slack.  ....hmmm. maybe I have too many baskets, that's what it is.  7 baskets to hold clean/dirty laundry for a family of three allows me to lay back & sets the husband up for failure.. one of the pet peeves that makes my eyes & neck twitch is his inability to put his laundry away before I'm called out for nagging him about it.  On occasion I throw my arms up and do it myself...Ah-ha! so in the big picture, why wouldn't he wait it out with the off chance I do it for him.  I've thrown a wrench & snagged my own expectation.
.....and nine & a half hours after weigh in... I'm Stahvin' ... ha.  I had dinner, chicken thigh, squash & eggplant and a splotch of lentil rice.  I ate enough, I think...waiting out 20 minutes before I make a decision on a possible after dinner snack & with any luck my brain will receive the message from my belly that I'm full. 

everyone is still alive and well....
100 ounces of water later.

Day 1
55 to go.   Are you ready? 
NO, better yet.... Am I Ready?


I'm off to lick the pages of a foodie magazine.