Thursday, December 10, 2015

I knew the ending from the start, some people are that easy to read

Dear two Jacks and two Jills,
We were happy to accommodate you at the bar to order a drink.
We were just as happy to accommodate you at a booth set for dinner in the bar area while you waited for guests.
We were thrilled you informed us you'd made a reservation for four in the dining room and despite the rest of your party not arriving yet, were ready to move there.
We felt badly when you told us your guests would not be coming, but then our mouths curled up once again when you shared with us, your guests, would in fact be joining you.
I was happy to keep one eye on the table while you patiently waited forty-five minutes for your joiners.
I felt badly I couldn't drop what I was doing when your guests did arrive, but it was nice of you to come find me and tell me you were ready to order dinner while I was making desserts for another table.
It was enjoyable to come take your order and wait while you discussed, amongst yourselves, which vegetables you'd like to modify.
It was my pleasure to inform you, while you were disappointed with changes to the menu since your visit prior to our yearly menu modifications, we could certainly prepare a dish you were looking forward to ordering and serve it with the sides you preferred.
I was happy to fly by your table in stealth mode to check the status of the starters, only to find a member had left without starting.
I was happy to fly by again once that member had returned to again check on the status.
I was happy to bring another type of salad dressing once they determined they didn't enjoy their first choice.
I was questioning what my next step should be when I flew by another time only to notice they still hadn't touched the salad.
I used my best judgement and fired the food for your table. 
I was happy to deliver it, and just as happy to retrieve the check you requested just after I dropped the meals.
It was nice of you to come find me with your payment choice while I was packing another tables leftovers to and let me know you wanted two containers to pack up your own leftovers.
I was happy to return your bill folder with the containers, and was more than happy to grab another you hadn't realized you needed. 
During this nearly two hour process from you walking in the door, to the bar, to a table, to a different table. to walking out the door, you never once voiced displeasure to me other than the menu changes which we gladly accommodated to your liking, in fact, you complimented.
It was a pleasure to have you and your guests for dinner and while I was confused to see toilet paper on the dinning table, I understood afterwards you were kindly letting me know the restroom needed paper towels, Thank You.
Upon your departure it was apparent by the 10.5% tip you left with the addition of a single dime on the folder, that the pleasure was all mine..and that's okay.  If insulting me and making me feel bad, made you feel good, I have no other option than to wish you well.  I'm sorry for not understanding or knowing what I could have done to make your experience more enjoyable. If you're sending some sort of a message with the dime, perhaps telling me I need to make a phone call to help give better service, FYI, it costs more than a dime these days & I'll need clear communication to the nearest pay phone. May generosity and more importantly, Joy, find you this Christmas Season.

Be Kind,
you can knock me down, but I stand back up

Monday, December 7, 2015

not your normal bangs

my peach fuzzy stash had grown into long wispy lip bangs, every time I was out running errands I meant to pick up some sally hansen facial hair removal cream.  easy.  well, easy when you remember it.  finally, I pulled out this other product I had tucked in the back of the cabinet.  not made for the face, so my bright idea was to cut the application time in half.  ha.   welp.  my long wispy lip bangs were gone...Whoo Hoo!  only to be replaced with a rash stash.  ha. upper lip of fiyah! Booo, Booo! you know it's bad when this worried expression washes over the husbands face as he asks, wtf happened to your face?  I assured him it would never happen again, it could have been worse ...??  and the bright side was I popped open a vitamin E capsule to cure it & surely, by day two I wouldn't look like I smeared cherry red lipstick on while wearing poorly prescribed bifocals.
...and that's what I did on Friday night.

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

brain dump wk3

the other day I stood in the yard looking at a lone leaf on a tree.  the wind blew and the leaf freed itself from the branch, floated up, up, up and over and down, down. down...right on my foot.  as if to say...time to rake, bitch.

why do people stop dead center of an aisle at the supermarket to look at their phones?  pull to the side,'re blocking the lane, I'm here to shop, get in & out quick, not look at your back while you gawk at your phone.  in fact, I'm pretty sure abrupt supermarket aisle stoppers are totally deserving of the carriage crash into the back of their heel.  accidentally, of course.  *wink* I've never carried out the action, I do think about it while I smile.  on occasion they apologize, mostly, they're just too into themselves to care about those of us around them.

I can't help but find it comical when I'm talking to myself in the car about some jerk off driving, noting they are the worst driver on the planet to then notice a big ole dent on their vehicle, validating my assumption.

damn, my face is get'n pale.

in line at the local DD drive-thru this morning.  black chevy silverado ahead of me, with a head of sorts, finger drawn in the dirt on the tailgate, beside the penis was written..bushwhacker...  hahahaha  I cracked up because I'm totally mature like that and was eager to catch a glimpse of this wanker in his side view.   it was a chic.

"This is not a sustainable friendship model."

bathroom wall chatter:  stop writing on walls it's so high school.   u dumb sluts.
reply:  obviously, ur the dumbest slut.
never let ur friends drink too much.

Happy Election Day!

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Brain Dump wk2

Walking the dog thoughts of the week.

Oh Look at that star, it's moving!  Um.   Um....der.

Coffee.  I need a coffee.

I see you bunny.  The stance on the dog and the perk of his ears tells me..he, too, has seen you bunny.  Act like a statue bunny, no swagger.  Statue.  as an image of me, body flopping parallel to the ground as the dog runs off in hunt of the floppy ears, flashes through my mind.  I dig in my heels, not a second too soon.  Road rash avoided.

I wonder if people with loud exhausts only travel late at night and early in the morning.  Does this draw less attention?
The surround sound of daylight in the city is deafening.

I shoulda worn gloves.

If the dog used the toilet my life would be perfect.

It's so dark out, I should have worn the headlamp.

I wonder if my skin would be paler than it is if I were a vampire....

Bacon!?  Who cooks bacon at 6 A.M. on a Thursday?!  Genius.
Now, I'm starving.

Monday, October 12, 2015

Hoagies and Grinders, Yogurt and Granola

In the recent past I used to have myself a cup of yogurt and some granola every morning.  I thrive on routine.  My predictable journey has been met with some twists and turns.  La-la-la-lunchlady land.  I eat "lunch" now at 10:30 A.M.   That's going to take some getting used to.  I've begun to snub my nose at my at home yogurt and granola munching, without evening noticing until I was working on my meal planning for the upcoming week, making a grocery list earlier and noticed I haven't touched it.  In fact, I haven't been eating breakfast.  Walk the dog, drink a coffee, make the kid and husband lunches, wake up the kid, get ready to roll out and hit the kitchen.  I'm certain the portioning of 768 ounces of yogurt into 153 cups and fifteen pounds of granola portioned into two ounce baggies last week has been a large part of my stroll from my breakfast routine.

When I begin to question the biggest recent change, the step into lunch ladyland, I sit back and listen to the house full of kids we have running in and out every afternoon and every weekend.   I love the smell of the kid when she comes in from hours of outdoor play.   I want to be here everyday after school to do homework with Ly, to play games, to keep a watchful eye as her and her friends ride bikes & scooters up and down the street.  I want to be here to have dinner ready...but, I want to work, too.  I want to make money even if it's only a little.  I'm in love with my lunch ladyland hours. Roughly a week ago I bid on a permanent spot in one kitchen.  The end of last week I was told I was the best qualified candidate and had been awarded the position.  Ha.  Man, I know how to serve up some lunch...or was the only applicant.  Tomorrow is my second first day, at a new school.  I'll feel awkward, but it'll pass quick. The kid is pumped because it's her school.  We'll walk in together every morning and she'll know for sure I'm not going back home to have all kinds of fun without her. Looks like for now, this school kitchen gig will be part of my routine.

I wonder when I'll decide to eat yogurt again? 

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Brain Dump wk1

The dog and I saw an intact Pringle on the ground during our walk.  It had fallen from human grasp and remained whole. This puzzled me.  That was one tough "cookie".  The last can I bought had seen battle, every chips edge was cracked and crumbling.

Tissues and Tape can fix a whole lot...when you're six.

I need an acorn falling sensor.
..or a hard hat.

Why?  Why do dog owners continue to bring their dogs outside and not carry a bag to remove the waste?  Why?  When I have to watch my step on the Church lawn, something is terribly wrong with humans & their actions.  If you leave your dog piles behind You Suck at dog owning and I'm pretty bummed I even have to share air with you.

I should wear my hair a different way each day.

I'm so glad the kid seems to be falling into the school groove and not disliking it, as much as, last year.  *knock on wood*

I love Autumn.

(as I was running)   What the hell am I running for?  I don't even like to run.  The dog likes to run.  I'd like to still be in bed.  (Oscar stopped to sniff a fire hydrant)  more my speed.

The husband would gladly do more cooking.  Too bad he doesn't understand the clean up associated with dinner.  nightly.

Nachos.  I'm totally making nachos this weekend!  with Guac!  homemade Guac.  I better buy my avocados tomorrow. 

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Doe in the after light

It's been a long time.  This place has been on my mind, & my mind has spun plenty of words...I just never found the right time to come and lock em in.  I welcome myself back and I welcome you back to my Brain Crumbs.  I sought this place out because tonight feels different, I can't talk myself off the cliff I'm dangling, can't shake the thoughts.  My dreams last night were clouded with half dazed hours of reckless sleep, my night at work was full of half focused confusion.  I can't get out of my own head since we discovered the identity of Baby Doe.   I'm so incredibly sorry, Bella Bond, we all failed you.
I'm spinning.  My mind is a whirlwind.

A history of drug abuse that dates back more years than I can't count on two hands, transitory lifestyle drizzled with common night walking.
Two children removed from her care because she was deemed unfit to parent.
A revolving door of "prince charmings."
A third child is born, within the first 2 years of this youngters life,  Two cases of neglect with DCF are opened and closed and the young child is left under the care of her mother without further action.
Did you read all that?
Did you read it and think WTF?  No.  Then you're crazy and should seek help.
Third time in this senario is never a good thing. Your parental rights should be revoked!  There should never be a three strikes & you're out rule when it comes to innocent children.  You are F*n done straight out the pen.
A history like that & we leave a young child under her care?!    We're shitheads.

Everyone involved with this woman who gave the green light to leave this child under her care should throw every buck they have in the therapy jar, cuz done, F*d the F Up.   Friends she made in shelters are quoted as saying her daughter was always so happy.   Are we doing enough for these woman and children in shelters?  & if it's a question mark, then we're not.  Do you know what that means?  It means we're setting these children up to fail.   We're shitheads.

Actively participating in the death of her child was not a goal this woman set for herself to achieve, it was the result of our failure as a society to address the real problems.  I believe that with every fiber of my being.  Forty, she's Forty.  That's a long timeline splattered with criminal arrests and DCF encounters, that given the right timing, persuasion, and programs, could have helped this woman before she let down any more children.  Before her "third times the charm" died by the hands of one of her prince charmings.  To help these kids, we need to put every effort into helping the people directly involved in hurting them ...ideally, before they have the children they'll undoubtedly, fuck up.  or murder.

We're all responsible.  We continue to let these kids down, killing a little piece of  them each day we allow people to raise them who are ill prepared, and lacking the skills needed to follow through on responsible parenting. If we continue to do a poor job on handling mental health and the addictions that are likely to follow. children will continue to die.  We're shitheads.

Don't misread my compassion as sympathy.  I don't feel badly for these two shitheads.  Neither, the mom or newest boyfriend, should ever see the sky above or a single blade of grass another day in their existence on this planet, but my truest feelings tell me if we continue to only react to these heinous acts rather than make serious changes to prevent them..well...we'll forever all be shitheads in one form or another....and that'll just be bullshit.  We all deserve better.

I'm so incredibly sorry, Bella Bond, we all failed you.

Sunday, May 24, 2015

what's your punctuation?

There's plenty of people in my life who I've felt let me down.  Number one on the father.  I believe I've...maybe....for the moment.. forgiven him for his faults, for not one of us is without faults, but I don't know shit really & the snake may still have a head.  I. Don't. Know.   
Years.  It had taken me, years, to piece together the loss, the life, the perceptual miss fires, the lessons, the endless list of what if ....this masterpiece in my mind of all the answers.  Ha.  Whatever helps me sleep at night, right?
I'll save you all from the woe is me party.
If I align myself with total number of living years my father survived, I'm creeping up in a pace that nobody would welcome...can't nobody break my stride ...'cept unsuspected death.   Death knocked his door and six months later bolted it shut at the age of 50.   He's missed so much, my wedding, his grand nugget of unconditional love... my forgiveness?
Without warning, I recently began dwelling on the relationship I lacked with my dad, but came to the familiar realization, although, it may be a void I will never fill, it was never under my control.  It's so easy to say on the outside, but the grip it can have on the inside is almost comical...if laughing is your first defense mechanism.   After rivers of tears, countless shoulders soaked with runny noses, I can not recreate the facts.  There really isn't anything more to see behind the curtain. 
Curtain closed.
...until it opens.  again.
I've felt unsettled for weeks, people who I call friends losing their parents. Some I loved, some I knew, some not so much....but, I can't help but revisit the pain I'd thought I dealt with, this whirlpool of emotion I wish I could stifle.  I feel out of control.   It's exhausting.   Curtain F*n Call Already!  Then, I remember part of my...some what of a healing... was embracing those very emotions I buried for so long.   Don't squash it, Feel it.  Share it.  Make every effort, like many of those passed, to leave fewer what if's and more Love.  I'm gonna miss you when you're gone... because your impact was filled with this loving energy nobody wants to let go of, that's perfection in an imperfect world.
Big F*n Love!
Would you rather an exclamation point at the end of your name or a question mark ?
If it's a question,'s time to make some changes in your life!

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Three Weeks Later

I'm standing & I'm eight pounds lighter than I was twenty-one days ago.   Way to go, Me!   I have plenty more to shed & will have to up my game the further I decide to move forward on this journey. The only exercise I included was the housewife/part-time server movements, but it's a nice start & at least I'm in a sort of weekly food prepping routine.  Baby steps.  I'm no hare.   I'm thinking of dying my hair.  a purple peek strip.  ombre.  It's just a thought.

I'm super happy with the results of my self created twenty-one days of self control without deprivation!  I held myself accountable for everything I consumed in my handy dandy lil pocket composition book, even the Delicious "Diet" Pizza! 

Week 3:  -1.6

Three week total:  -8.0

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Two Weeks Past 7 Days Forward

"This salad tastes exactly like a Five Guys burgah!"
I actually said those words.  Out Loud.  The husband laughed.  I'm funny.
The flavor profile didn't resemble any of the greasy meaty greatness the husband devoured before my green envious eyes.   He packed his weekend full of take-out from a couple of our local favorites, which worked out well because I had to work both Friday and Saturday night & it's always nice when I don't have to make meals before I run out the door.  On the flipside, it's a bit of a downer walking back In the door just as Mr. Take-Out is pulling his Parkhill meat lovah's pizza out of the oven. The meats glistening, the cheese bubbling, the crust speaking carby love to me.  I held out!   I even buckled down and found the strength to walk Singapore ribs and crab rangoons in the door for him the following night.    I'm courageous.
I managed to stay moderately satisfied this week with wholesome food choices & tossed in some treats, a few glasses of wine, couple beers, a too sweet coffee from DD.  *slurp* I enjoyed half a bagel with cream cheese, a lindt chocolate egg & an ice cream sandwich.  This girl is Crayyyzz-ee!  Ha!   I didn't add any major exercise, kept it steady with the usual housework, errands, & walking. I averaged 6 miles a day on my Garmin Vivofit.  I love it, I sync it with My Fitness Pal & log my calories in and out.  Mr. Romance bought it for me for Valentine's Day, I was super excited, wanted one for a long time. Who doesn't want to know they're moving too little and sleep deprived?!  Forget the roses, buy me a gadget or make me a card.  Or Both!  Either way, I'm thankful.

Week 2:  -3.6

I'm winning on the losing. 
Two week total:  -6.4

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Twenty-One Days of Self Control

My Facebook news feed has been cranking out 21 day fix & shakeology shout outs.  It has inspired me to shake up a few weeks of my life and shed some excess.  The shake program is not one I'm interested in, I'd never switch out an actual chewing food meal for a shake. A frappe, perhaps, but not a healthy shake.  I once told myself I bought my Ninja blender for morning smoothies.  I even went as far as freezing fresh berries.  Pffft.   I knew, buried in the cavern of truth, it was all about frozen margarita's and perfectly crushed ice for refreshing mojito's.  I've thawed those berries for oatmeal toppers this week. 
Fist pumps for anyone putting in the effort to live closer to healthy clean.   I applaud everyone who takes steps to a healthier lifestyle.  It's work, and at least for me because it's work, I find it easy to slip out of the habits needed to sustain a successful weight loss plan.  I spent the better part of Sunday meal planning for the three of us, shopping and prepping easy to grab, smart food choices for myself.  We all eat a different diet & I'm the head chef.  Salary capped at zero dollars.  Good thing I enjoy cooking, although so many different tastes revolving in every day can be overwhelming and send me to the emotional eating food line.
I'm constantly battling my bulge, up. down. down. up.  I am the yo-yo & much of my exercise is walking the dog.  I've taken some pounds off recently, and kept them far, without putting much effort into it.   I need to lose so much more. Not Want.  Need.  My blood pressure was on the cusp of higher ground during my last wellness visit.   Madda Fadda.  I've Never had high blood pressure, even at my highest of weights.  I'm older now and regretfully, not getting any younger. Stupid aging. I don't want to get old.  The only control I have over climbing the rungs of age, is to jump on the wheel and move closer towards "feeling" younger.  I know my eating flaws, I know my triggers, I know the power of my unhealthy habits, but I still let them creep back in, more often, than not.  I don't know if the relationship I have with food will ever change for good, but I do know I'll put in an honest effort for at least another 14 days. 
I looked on while my husband devoured a steak and cheese from one of my favorite joints.  Damn Him!  I was still lamenting the steak and grease loss I felt the following day, I fed the void.  ha-ha A smile overtook my face as I bit into a slice of Hawaiian pizza at 12:30 A.M., Sunday morning.  Gobbled down two more.  Eh, I earned it.  I guess....but, looking back on it, I bet I'd have lost a teensy bit more if I'd held off on the three slices of doughy greatness.  
Week One:  -2.8 lbs.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Dusty Words

 I popped into my blog & noticed this half composed whine session.   Reads like it was a bad day.

Brain Dump

I wanted to sleep in, but apparently I was snoring & the husband kept kicking me in the shin to be sure I knew.  Thanks buddy.

I came home from work last night to two sinks full of dishes, glad the kid and dad had a fun food filled night & left the mess for me.

Lyla had fallen back to tear filled mornings at school drop off.  I'm so fucking sick of school & the drama it brings to my Every weekday morning!  I smile it through it, but it's bringing me fucking down.

I've been thinking a lot lately about going back to work full-time, but so much of me still believes I should wait until Lyla is older.  It's probably just the depression of winter poking the emotions that lay still in a mom who is home all day doing mom and wife things that seem to go unnoticed. The unpaid gofer. 

I'm exhausted.

I'm tired of cleaning.  Washing this, tidying up that...why am I the only one who knows how to hang something up or put things back where they belong?!