Sunday, May 24, 2015

what's your punctuation?

There's plenty of people in my life who I've felt let me down.  Number one on the father.  I believe I've...maybe....for the moment.. forgiven him for his faults, for not one of us is without faults, but I don't know shit really & the snake may still have a head.  I. Don't. Know.   
Years.  It had taken me, years, to piece together the loss, the life, the perceptual miss fires, the lessons, the endless list of what if ....this masterpiece in my mind of all the answers.  Ha.  Whatever helps me sleep at night, right?
I'll save you all from the woe is me party.
If I align myself with total number of living years my father survived, I'm creeping up in a pace that nobody would welcome...can't nobody break my stride ...'cept unsuspected death.   Death knocked his door and six months later bolted it shut at the age of 50.   He's missed so much, my wedding, his grand nugget of unconditional love... my forgiveness?
Without warning, I recently began dwelling on the relationship I lacked with my dad, but came to the familiar realization, although, it may be a void I will never fill, it was never under my control.  It's so easy to say on the outside, but the grip it can have on the inside is almost comical...if laughing is your first defense mechanism.   After rivers of tears, countless shoulders soaked with runny noses, I can not recreate the facts.  There really isn't anything more to see behind the curtain. 
Curtain closed.
...until it opens.  again.
I've felt unsettled for weeks, people who I call friends losing their parents. Some I loved, some I knew, some not so much....but, I can't help but revisit the pain I'd thought I dealt with, this whirlpool of emotion I wish I could stifle.  I feel out of control.   It's exhausting.   Curtain F*n Call Already!  Then, I remember part of my...some what of a healing... was embracing those very emotions I buried for so long.   Don't squash it, Feel it.  Share it.  Make every effort, like many of those passed, to leave fewer what if's and more Love.  I'm gonna miss you when you're gone... because your impact was filled with this loving energy nobody wants to let go of, that's perfection in an imperfect world.
Big F*n Love!
Would you rather an exclamation point at the end of your name or a question mark ?
If it's a question,'s time to make some changes in your life!